Dear Joanne; A Twitlonger by Jen Emick
The identity of Neal Rauhauser’s archnemesis Zapem hasn’t been a secret for years but for some reason Neal has been unable to find her. In this Twitlonger Ms. Emick rips Zapem (and all her sock accounts) a new one.
Just FYI, Joanne, because I know you’re up: I knew it was you from the moment Jeff grabbed the phone from you two years ago. If you think I actually believed the story that this was another “Jeff” who just happened to sound exactly like Jeff joy and was also a retired police officer, it’s because you constantly err in thinking you’re more clever than everyone you attempt to manipulate.
I let it slide a long time because I didn’t want to add to your paranoia and I felt sympathetic. Even after you went completely around the bend, I held back because I did not want an asshole like Neal to prevail in any way due to your issues. (And before you continue that blather about “that cop blah blah,” it was very easy to verify because you used the same email of Jeff’s for your original Zapem gallery/forums and your stupid Warcraft twitter. So can it.)
But yes, I knew, everyone knew. And after the fourth faux persona or so I was feeling a LOT LESS sympathetic. The constant trash talk and gossip about allies/friends was also grating. High school level gossip and bs and “Oh, don’t trust [any ally], you should hear what they say about you! Also, they’re Neal/working with Neal.”
That plus the constant lie that “Michelle” is “no longer on the internet,” which is true insofar as you’ve moved on to other personas. But you forget you peddled that story publicly for over a year while calling me up to a dozen times a day to freak out about something you read on Twitter or pastebin, or to demand I make tweets on your behalf.
So please stop insulting my intelligence. Nobody believes you left twitter. Nobody believes any of your personas are discrete, living people. Those that pretend they do are just humoring you same as I did.
There’s a reason people believe you and Neal are actually in cahoots. Both of you manage to leave swathes of collateral damage as you try to manipulate others to fight your war. Except neither of you is actually a victim of anything but your own obsessive addiction to drama and keeping score, and neither of you ever score hits on each other, just the ppl you drag into it.
If you were truly interested in being left alone you’d have ducked out of the fight years ago. Instead, you literally spend every waking moment trolling Twitter looking for fresh victims to pull into your bullshit. Yet somehow, every person you drag into your battles ends up on your ever growing enemies list (you know, those sixty-odd people “the lawyers” are going to sue any day now because they refused to play your games any longer?)
Weird, isn’t it, that everyone who has ever stepped up to try and help ends up doubly victimized. First by Neal and his absurd antics/threats, then by your gossip, manipulation, and divisiveness? But sure, totally absurd to think you’re working together. It’s complete coincidence that your enemies list almost 100% overlaps Neal’s, right? Also just coincidence that anyone who comes at him in public almost immediately gets contacted by one of you oh-so-helpful, tinfoil-driven personas, plied with absurd paranoid gossip, and then chucked under the bus.
Because you’re the only ‘true’ victim, despite Neal not having actually done anything to you, right? (If putting up gossip laden posts and hilariously awful fake doxing counts, then ahem, you might have a look at your own very very silly troll forum.)
tl;dr Joanne is divorcing Jeff to marry Neal, send barf bags in lieu of flowers